The Real Speech

How have we landed, in this situation?
I’m talking about, the state of our nation.
What seems to matter is, profit and greed.
Morals and honour, have all, gone to seed.
V.A.T up on the Champagne and Gin
They tell you what rubbish to put in which bin
But always remember, we are the chaps,
Who outwitted the Germans and thwarted the Japs.
People forget this, now nobody cares.
Most of The Government are now millionaires
Even my ‘old man’ he sleeps all the time,
If you turn on the Tele, it’ Soaps, Sport or crime
The Common Market, it’s still them and us
You never get offered a seat on the bus.
The churches are closing nobody prays.
All people want are cheap holidays.
Packed in like cattle on rusty old planes.
Sometimes I wonder, what’s wrong with their brains.
Look at the footballers, Spanish and Polish
If you fancy a drink, your Pub’s been demolished
The Euro is sinking, The Pound doesn’t float
If We weren’t the Queen, We’d be on the next boat.

© Ralph Killey

Queen's Speech: Where are the big ideas to save Britain?

Ralph Killey worked on the Liverpool Echo for thirty years and became part owner of World Group Newspapers, Lancashire. He has a collection entitled: 'When there's Notin' on the Tele'. 

The Eton Gloat Song

When you are at Eton the students play tricks
So I hid the headmaster’s bike
He wrote to my Dad, “that’s my lad” said my Dad
‘Cause I was at Eton, we do what we like

When I left school I worked for a Judge
I got drunk, hung his wig on a spike
He was very polite when he sacked me that night
But I went to Eton, so I’ll be alright

So I joined the Navy to travel the World
And I met a young Russian named Mike
We sneaked into Spain sold Hash and Cocaine
‘Cause I went to Eton, we do what we like

We made lots of cash so to China we went
The journey was quite a long hike
Blue Films we imported, I was quietly deported
‘Cause I went to Eton they only jailed Mike

Then back to Britain, I hastily returned
And stood for Election at Pinner
To my Polling Station flocked friends and relations
Because of dear Eton, I was easily the winner

The time came to choose our Prime Minister
I wanted the job and the glamour
The election was done, I easily won
I’m from Eton, the rest were all Grammar.

© Ralph Killey

Tory backbencher calls Cameron an 'arrogant posh boy'
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Ralph Killey worked on the Liverpool Echo for thirty years and became part owner of World Group Newspapers, Lancashire. He has a collection entitled: 'When there's Notin' on the Tele'.

Supa Bupa

I worry, worry, worry,
All my life has been a bore
I worry about politics,
Global Warming, Tax and War
I saw this ad, in ‘The Telegraph’,
I thought, Wow! This is super.
It said: ‘We Worry For You’,
Send your details off to BUPA.

This is my salvation,
This is just divine,
They’ll do all my worrying,
My life will be sublime.
Hurray! For private medicine,
They’ve really got it ‘sussed’,
You don’t get this on National Health,
To ‘sign on’ is a must.

A brilliant plan -They urge you
To write: or use the phone.
They’ve trained this team of Worriers,
Who, mostly work from home.
The service is expensive,
Not for the working class
So I sent my uncle’s bank details
He’s rich and in Madras

I then explained my worry
To test their new techniques
I haven’t paid a penny rent
For over fifty weeks.
I head butted the bailiff
He looks as if he’s dead.
I’ve sent them this on E-mail
Now I’m going back to bed.

© Ralph Killey

How your private doctor is gaining at your expense
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Ralph Killey worked on the Liverpool Echo for thirty years and became part owner of World Group Newspapers, Lancashire. He has a collection entitled: 'When there's Notin' on the Tele'.

Alzheimer’s Allegory

There is a girl I used to know
She had many ways of hurting you and so
I packed my bags and left her
Though she swore I’d never go
There is a girl I used to know.

There is a town I used to love
It once contained most everything
My dreams consisted of
My babies in the basement
As the traffic trawled above
There is a town I used to love.

There is a bar I used to go
I sometimes still look in
There may be somebody I know
It’s where ‘old kings of comedy’
Mend their tattered souls
There’s a bar I used to go.

Why I’m ill I just don’t know
Just simply leave me on my own
I’ll find a friend from long ago
And ask them where my life has gone
Someone with a soul, to see
An old man sitting at a bar alone

There is this joke I used to tell
A man is granted three good wishes
He wastes them – yes that rings a bell
And ends up broke and washing dishes
I am that joke I used to tell

There is that guy I used to know
He once had everything
But that was a million mistakes ago
And now he sits here drinking
With a tale that starts, like so:
‘There is a girl I used to know’.

© Ralph Killey

Alzheimer’s Brain Scan Test Gets FDA Approval

'Dementia champions' start work across Scotland


Ralph Killey worked on the Liverpool Echo for thirty years and became part owner of World Group Newspapers, Lancashire. He has a collection entitled: 'When there's Notin' on the Tele'.